


Alright

by kannst_du_nicht



Category: N/A - Fandom, Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-22 01:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15570993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannst_du_nicht/pseuds/kannst_du_nicht
Summary: I may in fact be a grade F Guy, but for the longest time I didn't know. Being raised a girl, I have some useless wlw tendencies, and I'm not sure I'll ever grow out of them. Instead of dealing with some nasty Feelings, I'm writing about them and i'm giving my self insert the happy ending she deserves. She also gets a lot of my traits. She doesn't deserve those and I'm sorry.





	1. Oh, I'm Fucked

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is probably going to be the shortest of them. I'm gonna be aiming for roughly a thousand words per chapter, but I need to post this to get it out of the way and get to the fun stuff. I'm aiming to make it pretty fun and light hearted, because honestly the real life story is both really depressing and not that deep, but it *is* going to delve into some topics that aren't as fun. I'll mention them in the notes before hand and leave a tl;dr at the end regardless. 
> 
> this one deals with some mentions of potential homophobia and transphobia:>

Alright. Entry one. Is this an entry, is that the word for this? Would “reason one of many why I need help” work better? Probably. I’m stalling.  _ Hhhhhhhhh _ okay, getting this started.    
  
Entry one, take two. The sole purpose of this doc is to find out the following: 

 

  * Does she like me back?
  * Is she even into girls?
  * Is she even fine with us gays?



 

 I don’t know and probably never will. But what am I supposed to do? Try and ask? God, no. Clearly, this is the only logical course of action. Yeah, I know. This is avoidance to an extreme even  _ I _ raise a brow at, but this is a judgement free zone. No it’s not, I’m judging myself hardcore, but I’m the only one to ever see this so it doesn’t quite matter now, does it? 

 

Regardless, onto the evidence of the day: The ease at which she accepts my gay jokes. She doesn’t bat an eye, (Well... I’m guessing she doesn’t. I can’t really see her. I’m not even sure what she looks like. God, I’m fucked.) or pause a second. She handle them so smoothly, I don’t even remember I’m talking to a potential heterosexual.

 

She’s even made one of her own, and not a beginner’s gay joke either- a gay spider hiding from it’s homophobic family in my closet. That’s right, a closet joke. Needless to say, it distracted me from the, admittingly not super large, spider residing in my closet. The same spider that I still haven’t found, but I digress. 

 

So, surely she’s at least tolerant, right? But would she be okay with me liking girls? I don’t want her to pull back, she’s opening up more and more and I don’t want to lose what we have. If we knew each other in person this might be a lot easier, but as it is we have no friends in common. I don’t know if she has any gay friends, or how many of her friends are homophobic. 

 

She so far hasn’t said anything to show she’s homophobic. She’s mentioned she doesn’t like it when people call things gay, which is a pretty good sign, so I’m going to  _ assume _ she’s good there. I’m still afraid of letting it slip that I like girls with how affectionate and supportive we’ve become and having her think it’s gross. 

 

 I’ve mentioned before that I have a lot of lgbt friends. She doesn’t know exactly how  _ involved _ I am with the community, but she hasn’t had any reaction. Which is  _ good _ , she doesn’t care. It’s not anything to gawk at or get angry over. It’s just a thing like everything else is.

 

She hasn’t mentioned having any lgbt friends of her own, but that could be her trying not to be obvious about her own sexualiy, or because she’s a pretty private person. Or I’m looking way too far into it. Because I’m a fool, and clinging to any potential sign that I have a chance.

 

Maybe I need a hobby. Unless over analyzing everything about a person you have no chance with counts as a hobby. Maybe I just need more friends.

 

All this doesn’t even touch on the whole Bisexual thing. I’m  _ pretty _ sure she’s okay with gays, but what about bisexuals? Pansexuals? She’s really nice, I  _ think _ she’d either be accepting or would learn to be. But is that just me hoping?

 

If that weren’t enough, what if she’s transphobic? She always says no judgement when I mention myself sounding like a guy, and she once apologized for making a joke that could have been taken to be transphobic. It wasn’t, it was just a word with a double meaning, but she still felt bad. Unless that’s how she meant it, but was testing the waters. 

 

God, this is verging into conspiracy territory. I can’t help but to wonder, text doesn’t give much away, and I don’t know her well enough to know if she’s faking anything. I feel bad for questioning everything like this, she’s given me every reason to think she’s not like that, but I can’t shake the  _ what if’ _ s that haunt me. It's not only a case of not having a chance, it's a risk of losing a friend. Of potentially becoming a target for someone who could probably find me, or those near me. It's a safety risk, but I'm also just desperately gay.

 

And now I sound as though I’m writing angsty poetry. I thought I left this in fifth grade where it belongs, and yet here I am, typing away something that pre-sixth grade me would fawn over. If I’m already being emo about this, let's step it up. If I'm honest, the real question isn’t if she’d accept me. It’s what’d I’d do if she didn’t.

 

 I don’t want to think about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a few mornings shared with our (now named) Useless WLW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so turns out i dont like how i was originally gonna format this, so it's changed. I'll go back and fix that eventually, but im still gonna be messing around with everything since i'm no writer, this is really just for myself

_ Blip _

 

_ Blip _

 

_ Blip _

 

Jess was forced into awareness, despite her success in keeping her eyes shut. If she can get her way, she’ll fall back into a blissful sleep soon enough, and so there’s no point in opening th-   
  
_ Blip _

 

Alright, well. She’s not going to have her way, but her eyes will remain comfortably shut nonetheless. At the very least, she can  _ pretend _ to be falling back asleep, even if only for a moment or two.    
  
This particular morning smells like rain, a scent that plasters a lazy smile on Jess’ face as she snuggles further under the covers, hiding from the morning chill. Sleep would be nice, but she settles for daydreaming in the warmth of her own bed. The world around her is silent, nothing but her own thoughts disturbing the air, lulling her into a state of peace. At this rate, she may actually fall asleep. There’s no pressing matters to attend, she’s free to snuggle against some pillows for as long as she wants to. Eventually she’ll have to check her phone, see what it wants from her, but- Wait.   
  
Jess opens her eyes, awake in a second and reaching for her phone from its place next to her bed. Her hand grasps at an unconnected charger instead, and she then reaches next to her pillows, which also proves wasted time. Three attempts later, another blip sounds from under her chest, where she then discovers her phone’s been hiding. Honestly, she needs to remember to put it back in its spot.

 

Phone in hand, she lays back down on her side. Her heart gives a small lurch at the thought of who could be the source of the blasted blips, and she unlocks her phone to see her hopes were wrong.  _ Of course, she won’t be awake for a while, _ she remembers. The blips were simply someone spamming a command to bother anyone they could. However, she  _ did _ have messages from the special someone, likely from after Jess had already gone to bed.  A dopey smile crept its way onto her face as she read them over. 

 

_ Bayeksboat: guess i’m freezing tonight ;-; _

_ Bayeksboat: my cat laid on top of my nice, warm blankets _

_ Bayeksboat: look at this lil shit, he’s so proud of himself _

 

The last message was sent alongside a picture of Lili’s cat, Ladle, laying on her still made bed. The messages were nothing special, but warmth still found a way into Jess’ chest as she read over the words, her smile getting bigger. A good start to the day.

 

-

 

Jess was dragged from her sleep, slowly becoming aware of how uncomfortably humid it’s become in her room; a sharp contrast to the day before. She groaned, reaching under her pillow for her phone and turning off the alarm currently ringing in her ears. She looked at the time, reading 2:01 pm and immediately flopping down. She lays there for just enough time for the heat to start getting to her before turning over, reaching for the meds she’s late to taking. She takes them dry, flops back over, and lays there wallowing in the heat for a while more. 

 

It’s almost autumn, meaning the mornings are exactly how she likes them- cold, foggy, and quiet- and by noon it’s too hot for any clothes at all, uncomfortably humid, and gross. Luckily for her, it’s Saturday, and so she got to sleep in past the morning and straight into the worst of the heat. Just before she can drown out the humidity with sleep, her phone buzzes in her hand. She checks the current bane of her rest and can only half-heartedly complain once she sees who it is.   
  


_ BayeksBoat: have you taken your meds? or did you turn the alarm off and fall back asleep again _

 

_ copywright: much to the disbelief of everyone, i did in fact take them _

_ copywright: and who’s to say i didnt wake up at a decent time today _

 

_ BayeksBoat: did you? _

 

_ copywright: no _

_ copywright: but i could have _

 

_ BayeksBoat: of course  _

_ BayeksBoat: so what’s on the menu for today? _

 

_ copywright: well, you know me and my busy schedule _

_ copywright: absolutely nothing. you? _

 

_ BayeksBoat: video games and quality bonding time with my cats _

 

_ copyright: nerd _

_ copywright: i’ll leave you to wake up a bit before you have to put up with me, i have to do morning things _

 

_ BayeksBoat: correct me if im wrong, but it’s a little past 2pm for you _

_ BayeksBoat: and i happen to enjoy your company _

 

_ copywright: yes _

_ copywright: but it’s around 7am for you, and so morning stuff _

 

_ BayeksBoat: can’t argue with that logic _

_ BayeksBoat: i mean, i definitely can _

_ BayeksBoat: but i’ll let you have this, just the once _

 

_ copywright: thank you _

_ copywright: now go do morning things, you have an education to be getting, and learning is good _

 

_ BayeksBoat: now who’s the nerd? _

_ BayeksBoat: plus, saying good morning to you counts as morning things at this point _

_ BayeksBoat: so i  _ am _ doing morning things _

 

_ copywright: flattery will get you nowhere, and i havent heard a single good morning directed at me _

 

_ BayeksBoat: good morning, Jess _

 

_ copywright: s c h o o l _

 

_ BayeksBoat: it’s sunday here _

_ BayeksBoat: check and mate _

 

_ copywright: i have been a fool _

 

_ BayeksBoat: youre always a fool _

 

_ copywright: wow _

_ copywright: hit em where it really hurts, huh _

_ copywright: seriously though, i do need to deal with the dogs, they’ve probably wreaked havoc  _

 

_ BayeksBoat: good doggos _

_ BayeksBoat: have fun _

 

_ Copywright: :^))) _

 

Jess turned the phone off, rubbing her cheeks. Somewhere during their conversation her lips had gotten stuck in a silly grin that wouldn’t leave her face. Talking to Lili always has this effect on her. She’s left looking at her phone with a goofy smile on her face. She sits for a moment before remembering the sweltering heat and gets up for the day.

 

-

 

Jess is woken up to an alarm she had apparently set for the wrong day. A grab towards her phone’s intended spot for once is successful, and she turns off the world's loudest alarm. Sighing, she rolls over and checks the time. 6:30 in the morning. She unlocked her phone, seeing no new notifications. Not surprising, considering no one she knows likes mornings. Well, no one except Lili, but morning for Jess was far too late to be Lili’s morning. Jess tucks her phone beneath her pillow and goes back to bed.

 

-

 

Jess wakes slowly, the heat around her barely less unbearable than yesterday. Due to the incident with her alarm, she slept even later than she usually does on the weekends. She blearily checks her phone, finding a few notifications not intended for her, and shuts off the phone. She lays back down, sweat plastering her shirt to her back and sheets. She scratches at her ribs through her shirt, hoping some of the underboob sweat will cut her some slack. It doesn’t.

 

 She sighs, rolling over onto her front. Checking her phone shows Lili’s come online- something that sends a happy jolt through Jess. She mulls over this not so recent development, the butterflies and knives in her stomach a familiar feeling since she met Lili. If she had to describe it, she’d say the most accurate description would be how books describe having a… Oh. A crush.

 

Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> to sum it up: as of yet unnamed wlw chooses to make a fun not-diary rambling about her gay feelings instead of confronting them properly. Does dream girl is hate gays? probably not, but unnamed wlw worries too much about everything.


End file.
